18 Houses

It's been awhile since I've written anything. While, yes, I've been busy traveling and working, mostly my lack of writing has come from writer's block. I don't know if I consider myself a writer, but I feel like all writer's must go through seasons like this; where everything in our hearts, and the words we want to write down, are all stuck in our head with no way to get out. It's not that I lack subjects and ideas to write about, I simply cannot write them. They are a massive jumble inside my brain, and when I start to write, I realize I cannot adequately express what I really want to say. And so I stop. The 4 unfinished and yet to be posted blogs can attest to that.

It's been an interesting season this year, especially these last four months. Where the ache of loneliness has reached an all-time high and where the very specific lesson I'm supposed to be learning has been difficult to master. But the Lord has been gracious, and most of all he has been loving. And that is why last night I lay awake until 2am. Thinking, pondering, and feeling absolutely loved. This morning I'm on my 2nd cup of coffee to make up for that.

So yesterday I got a call that said the apartment that I wanted was indeed mine. This may not sound like a big deal to some of you. What's so hard about getting an apartment, for that matter why the celebration? Well I won't be homeless come end of April and that is wonderful, but there is more to the story.

I've lived in 18 houses over the span of 29 years, it would be 20 if I counted dormitories.

18 house. 5 countries. 4 states. I've NEVER been one of those girls that dreamed of setting up my own home. Stores like IKEA, Crate & Barrel, Pier 1, even Target's cute little home section overwhelmed me and bored me. Perhaps that's why I started taking more of an interest in fashion. I can fit cute shoes in a suitcase, but that vintage framed mirror, that won't be going with me anywhere so why spend money on that?

Fast forward to my life here in the Middle East. I don't know how long I'll be here, but for now I'm here, and it's honestly the first place I've ever lived that I can see myself setting up home. While that thought scares me, and intimidates me a bit, it's also rather comforting. So when I walked into the apartment that I was told was in my budget and available for the time that I needed it, I was like a kid in a candy store, or myself at Anthropologie (which does happen to have a cute home section). It was beautiful. It was perfect, and it was a place I could bring MY stuff into. Then began the 3 long weeks of waiting due to circumstances beyond my control, and yesterday, I got a call that said, if I wanted that house, it was mine.

And so last night I was thinking. Why? Why was it mine? I've lived my whole life content in smaller places, in homes that belong to other people, never acquiring stuff. Then I moved here and was just put where there was space. I think people mean well, but because I don't have a family and children, sometimes we single women get pushed together in places that no one would ever even think of living. But we can handle it. We don't have kids, which means we're full of free time and no stress right? If only. But we can survive, we've had to. And we do. I'm honestly not complaining. While my current place does have its issues, it's been comfortable, and I'm not lacking in anything. But sometimes, it feels wonderful to be noticed, to be spoiled, and to get a house that is way bigger and beautiful than what people think you deserve and honestly for that matter, think I deserve.

And so lay awake last night asking God why I deserve this apartment. Shouldn't a family who needs the space get it? Shouldn't it go to a women who loves to decorate? And it's been a hard gift to receive, because there no other reason then the fact that he's heard my prayers, and has seen my heart, and has chosen to answer it simply because he loves me. When I realized I needed to move, I simply said. "you know what I need, I'm giving it to you to provide, surprise me." And that he did. He gave me what I wanted. And maybe more than I know, what my heart needed.

This bridge is the view from my new kitchen window.