I've had a lot of people say to me when I tell them what I do, where I live, "Oh I could never do that!" "How can you just go like that?" You are going for how long?, all by yourself?!" and the comments go on. I understand their alarm-lone female in the Middle East. I understand their reasoning of why they could never do it-they were never meant to.
But sometimes what I really want to say is this: The going isn't the hard part, it's the returning.
The coming "Home" to a place that no longer captures my heart. Returning to beloved friends who have resumed their daily lives without me in it, while in the meantime my life has been torn apart and changed. Returning to questions and questions and questions of people who mean well, but they will have no. idea. what my life is like over here.
I don't expect them to, but I still wish I could communicate it.
Returning to a culture that is my own, that is familiar, that in a lot of ways is so easy to live. Sometimes I just want to forget I have to get back on a plane and go back to the unfamiliar that is my every day. When I step into the immigration line at JFK I look like I belong, I sound like I belong, and in a lot of ways I do, but I carry a secret life: a life of adventure, travel, beloved ones, heartbreaking scenes, life changing conversations that no one sees.
This is my life. This is what I was born to do. This is what was asked of me. So I do it. My life doesn't deserve to be on a pedestal because of what I do, but I find myself in groups who've put me there. My life doesn't deserve to be put on display and criticized by people wondering when I'll ever settle down and finally get my first house, and 2.2 kids. My life is not normal and when I'm here, that is ok. Not being normal is the new normal. But it's when I "return" that I feel more out of it than I do in my language class. Fighting to keep my head above water with the latest topics that everyone is talking about, struggling to understand why it is that we really have to discuss these "important" topics when my heart is burdened by the things I've seen and heard, but have not been given the space to communicate.
Going IS hard. There's no denying it, but when you say, "yes" and step out-you find those steps not as rocky as you first thought they would be.
I LOVE returning. The anticipation when my plane lands and I wish that all these people would move so I could just hug the people I love waiting for me on the other side. I WISH I could see my family more, live with my friends, attend my church and perhaps that is why returning is so hard. For a few brief moments I get to be with the people I love and live life with them again all this time knowing, soon. Soon, I will have to get on a plane to resume the life I've left, to live life with the people that I'm meant to be with in this time. Returning IS hard, but it's the BACK AND FORTH..the GOING and COMING that is truly the hardest.
3 comments:
Really super great. I love how you articulate a TRULY hard component to being... bi-cultural... ;) You have loved ones on both sides, in both languages, in both world views. You really do a magnificent job of living in both realities--it's a difficult space to navigate and engage and I think you're just awesome. And what a perfect time to say it, too. Much love. Can't wait to see you!!!
Thanks for telling it how it is, friend. Can't wait to see you! I'll be at the airport with bells and whistles.
eyou capture something so true. i dont think i had the words for it until i read this... thank you for pulling out the essence of our lives. of the going and of the returning.
speaking of returning... i can't wait for you to return. you know, when you're done with this current return of yours. wow, that's a lot of returns. miss you!!!
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