Dominant vs. Confident

So its a topic of much discussion..especially here in Redding where there really are no decent single guys over the age of 25...but yes, singleness. No this is not a blog rant of how I hate being single in a community of young married couples, or even how lonely I am because none of that is true...far from it. This is more just a random blog I'm choosing to write more for the sake of the others out there asking similar questions and facing similar issues.

So we're reading Captivating which is a great book but I've gotta be honest...this last chapter we read was a little annoying. Something about true femininity arouses true masculinity. Which I believe is true...but these authors are obviously married..bottom line..they've seen it work in their lives. I have not. Simple as that. Then they go into how a woman is one of three kinds of women..dominant, desolate, or arousing. And as they go about describing the dominant woman I get a little freaked out. But then my friend Emily quickly helped me out by offering that there is a difference between dominant and confident. Do I think I'm dominant? No. But yes, I believe that I am confident. I have lived a lot of life, much of it not easy, and a lot of it by myself. I've lived in 3 different countries and traveled to 8 others, lived in 2 different states, moved something like 20 times(I can't even begin to count) and this was all after high school and while I was single. People can complain all they want about moving to different countries, moving their families or moving with their husbands to another house or country, but seriously...you try and do it all by yourself....its a lot harder than it looks.

Anyways...back to the whole dominant vs confident thing. I believe there is a difference, but I really don't think that the male population or the world really sees much of a difference. Then we can go into the whole question of, if I'm not "dominant" and am instead an "arousing woman" than how I am supposed to balance that..as a single woman in ministry, as a single woman in this crazy man world? And how am I supposed to be "arousing" in a world of men who lets faces it are not really stepping up with this so called "strength" that their supposed to? Too harsh? perhaps..but maybe true...

But then there's the question of confidence. How many men will actually look beyond this confidence and see the heart of the woman that lies beneath? As far as I've seen...not very many. By the time you're 26 and single, you've learned to be strong and confident to survive, and you've learned how to do things for yourself because lets face it, someones gotta do it. This doesn't mean that you won't relinquish the role once someone wants to do it...or that you don't need someone to be that strength. But it rarely ever comes across like this...and I've found myself at a loss, even in my own life thinking about this. I'm not going to just pretend to be someone I'm not just so it looks like I need the strength. No, I want someone who will get to know me enough to realize yes, while I do possess a lot of strength, I need the different strength that only a man can offer.

Take for instance one of my friends who lives over in New Jersey....she is a single confident woman...and for a short moment in time finds herself making small talk, smiling, and being nice to a man. Nothing weird about that...it's good to be nice to people. But all of a sudden after one brief conversation she finds herself being "pursued" in a less than convincing way. Text after text, him wanting to hang out with her, and the question I ask is really? did she even show she was interested? did she even have a good conversation with him? If she wanted to hang out with him she'd call you back...but no he doesn't get the hint. So then she finds herself realizing that she can't open up and be this "vulnerable and alluring" woman to any male without the fear that he might read way too much into it. Because all of a sudden being "vulnerable and alluring"="smiling and being nice". All of a sudden just getting to know you nicely in a not stalker way is not even a concept for guys. So then this friend thinks..and I'm inclined to agree...that its easier keeping the confidence walls up then to deal with this kind of drama. Why be nice to guys when it results in awkward drama? Maybe its us confident girls that have this crazy idea in our heads that someday, somewhere, there will be a guy that we wont have to necessarily "smile and be nice" to but will get to know us anyway...despite the intimating confidence factor....is that too much to ask?

All this to say, I think there's a huge difference between dominant and confident and I wish that people would recognize this. That confident women can be "alluring" if given a chance, and are simply looking for strength....or at least someone to step up to the challenge....

So this blog was Shelby's idea so if you hate it blame her.....(how did you like that disclaimer?)

ok fine...only her idea to write it..the thoughts are my own crazy ones...and its processing in its beginning stages...(real disclaimer)