The reality of the life I live became real to me as a friend who've I've come to call a sister and I sat sobbing on Skype. These weren't just tears. These were sobs.
The constant change. The never ending goodbyes. The grieving. Over and over and over and over. Grieving of job titles, houses, cities, friends, comfortability. These are the things I seem to be always saying goodbye too or accepting that they've changed. When will "taking time to grieve" not be a part of my daily this is how I'm doing answer. I could stuff it. I could turn cold. But then I'd be like the others who have turned a part of themselves off and it doesnt do them nor anyone else around them any favors. Yet sometimes I envy the way they have found to survive the painful emotions of this life.
Reality hit me today and my heart twisted hard inside me as I thought of this friend, this family that I will no longer be living life with. Because it's what we do here. Day in and day out. We work, eat, cry, pray, fight, play, and laugh together. Every part of what makes up my life here contains the people I work with. They are my life. And when they leave my life goes with them.
My throat is tight and tears threaten to undo me as all I can think is... Why? Why do people come and go from my life with the consistency of the moving clouds. The way they come and go and change shape and structure. It's hard. I hate it. And I am once again reminded how I know so many people around the world yet so few of them really know me and I them. Because our life together was for a time and then it was scattered and I'm lucky to chat a bit every view months or years.
Perhaps that's why the sobs. The ugly fear and pain that our relationship is going to change. It's going to change to surface level, to every once and while visits and simple how are yous and the reality of the void that will exist when it does, hurts. It's hurts real bad.
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